Girl Code Part 1: 5 Unwritten Rules For Dealing With Your Girlfriend’s Man

Girl Code: Podcast 17

Girl Code:  5 Unwritten Rules For Dealing With Your Girlfriend’s Man

Every woman has heard about girl code.

If you haven’t, where have you been hiding? The boys think they set the standard with their “bro code” but, sorry boys, you don’t even know.

Girl code is simple. It’s about looking out for one another in a world that seems to always want to pit us against each other. Other women aren’t your rivals, yet we seem to be the most competitive among ourselves.

 

Why? Being a strong woman is something that should be celebrated. We should see another woman and be supportive and understanding. All too often we tend to act catty towards each another.

I’m not trying to say that we have to be BFF’s or anything crazy like that. All I’m talking about is simple respect.

Whether it’s the outfit someone else is wearing, or how they carry themselves, we tend to be our own worst critics. Very few men would even notice if a woman wore the same outfit twice in a week, but you know that other women definitely would.

I’m not trying to say that we have to be BFF’s or anything crazy like that. All I’m talking about is simple respect. That’s where girl code comes in. These are simple rules that every woman should know and internalize.

The world can be difficult enough for women. We are always striving to find equality, and we’ve definitely broken down some major walls. Women are more independent and successful now then they ever have been in the past. Good work ladies!

So, let’s talk girl code. Some of you are probably reading this and thinking, “bitch, I know all about girl code.” Really? We’ll see… Let’s explore the subtle nuances of these 5 unwritten rules we all should know and live by.  

1. Never Fuck With Another Woman’s Man

This shouldn’t just be girl code, this should be life code. We all know that infidelity exists. Among married people, close to 1/3rd of all married men and about 1/4th of all married women have admitted to cheating. I think that number is a little low. After all, who is really going to admit that they cheated?  

If you follow girl code, you would know not to mess with another woman’s man. He might tell you how rough his life is at home. How his girl mistreats him, doesn’t have sex with him, or any number of excuses he might use to get at you.

This should be a simple concept. If someone is taken, they are off limits. There are plenty of unattached men out there looking for a good time, it’s up to you to rely on your intuition to filter out the good ones from the bad.

This is twice as important if you’re thinking about messing with the man of one of your friends. That should absolutely never happen. If she’s your girl, then you should have her back. How can you be there for someone if you’re sneaking around behind their back?

Girl code says that person is off limits forever.

2. Never Talk To Your Girlfriend’s Man About Their Relationship

If their relationship is on the rocks, you need to be there for your girl. I know it can be clouded if you are friends with both of them. This is where girl code comes in. Nobody likes to choose sides, but, here’s the reality, you’re probably going to have to.

I’m not telling you to cut that person out of your life, but you need to be a good friend. Good friends are there for each other. She’s probably going to tell you some pretty private shit and, odds are, she already has.

This is your opportunity to really have your girl’s best interests at heart. She is confiding in you, trusting in you, and you need to validate that trust. Trying to be the intermediary between two people can put everyone in a bad position.

There are boundaries you should not cross as a woman. Hold your own self-respect and integrity above all else.

You are not his therapist. You need to be there for her as she goes through something that is very difficult to deal with. He should have his own set of friends that he can confide in, and that’s not your place.

What you need to do in this situation is tell him that you’re sorry, but having that conversation isn’t appropriate. She’s your friend and you want to make sure that you can be there for her unconditionally.

When I was first separated, I had something like this happen. It was Valentine’s Day and I was feeling pretty depressed. I had confided in this person, cried to her, and shared some pretty intimate details about my separation and problems in my marriage. On Valentine’s Day, while she was texting me, telling me to be strong, she was secretly spending the evening with my (now) ex-husband.

Her betrayal was devastating. It was two-faced and manipulative. She wasn’t my friend. My morals and values are strong, I would never do that to anyone I considered my friend. She broke girl code in the worst way. There are boundaries you should not cross as a woman. Hold your own self-respect and integrity above all else. 

3. Don’t Add Your Friend’s Man on Social Media

Again, this can be somewhat of a grey area. Especially if they are mutual friends. However, this can (and usually does) lead to unnecessary jealousy or drama of some sort.

I had the man of a good friend of mine add me on social media. She was ok with it at the time, so I accepted the request. He started liking some of my posts and pictures. This started to cause problems with their relationship.

I know this seems a little juvenile, but, like I said, this is where that grey area comes into play. She was ok at the time, but she became uncomfortable. I wasn’t doing anything inappropriate on my end, but it caused her to start to question his motives. Girl code says we have each other’s backs, so I decided the best thing was to just remove him from my account.

I didn’t want to put my friend in a position where she was starting to feel insecure. I realize that was her issue, but I decided that my friendship with her was more important than making some moral stand at the time. In the end, whether I agreed with it or not, her feelings mattered to me as did her friendship.

You especially shouldn’t request to add your friend’s man. We know that many people travel in the same circles, but you don’t want to add unnecessary drama to your relationship with your friend. If you’ve ever had the “did you add my man” conversation with a friend, you know that’s just a conversation you don’t need to have.

4. Don’t Have Intimate Conversations With Your Girl’s Man

Men are pervs. We know this, and we accept and love them anyway. You should never have an intimate conversation with your girl’s man. Men have a way of internalizing everything. Not to mention, they think that almost every woman in the world wants them anyway.

Sorry boys, but yes, we know how big you are, how long you last, and if you’re any good in bed.

Men like to talk about sex, and we all know that your best friends know every detail of your intimate life. Sorry boys, but yes, we know how big you are, how long you last, and if you’re any good in bed.

That’s a conversation that’s best left amongst the girls. What you don’t want to do is encourage your friend’s significant other to open the door to talking to you about sex. Odds are, he will internalize this and you might unknowingly plant ideas in his head that you’re available.

Maybe you’re talking about the time you experimented with this or that in your past. He might misconstrue this information and think that now you might be showing some interest in including him in a new adventure, when, in reality, you were just talking about your own experiences.

Let him talk to his friends about sex and you can continue to share your experiences with your girls and let your freak flag fly when you’re with your girlfriends.

5. Off Limits Means Off Limits Forever

I mentioned this briefly in number 1, but it’s important. Once your girlfriend begins dating someone new, that person is off limits forever. Even if it is a short-lived fling, that person they were seeing should no longer be considered available after the relationship has ended.

There are plenty of men out there, so don’t shit where you eat (as the saying goes). Why would you want to date someone that your friend has already dated? girl code should make that awkward.

Once my friends begin a relationship with a new man, I stop seeing that person as an option. Sure I might think they are handsome or funny or a great catch, but that man is a great catch FOR HER.

This is especially true once the relationship becomes serious. That person might be in your girl’s life for a long time. This is where numbers 1-4 naturally lead into number 5. This new man quickly goes from Mr. Attractive Single Guy to off limits if you are true to girl code.

Don’t jeopardize a good friendship over a man. I had this happen to me. I went out with a girl and her man to a concert. We had more than a few drinks and he came on to me. I didn’t do anything to encourage this, and I immediately told my friend what happened. She was so upset with him, it ended up ruining the whole evening.

Unfortunately, even though she was grateful for my honesty, it ended the friendship. Not in a bad way, we just stopped hanging out. It would be too awkward now to try to hang out with my friend and her fiance who decided to hit on me. In the end, Girl Code is really just another name for integrity. It’s about your own morals and values. You shouldn’t alter who you are for anyone, especially at the expense of your friends. It might not always seem easy to take the moral high ground, but the view from up there is so much better.