Don’t Date a Man Like Dad: Advice From a Mother to Her Daughter

Recently, I was consoling my daughter about the troubles she was having with her ex-boyfriend, post breakup.

Teenagers, especially teenage girls, are emotional creatures. We all know this. It seems with the newfound movement of “girl power,” it’s no longer ok to admit that women are emotional creatures. It’s nothing against the feminist movement, and I’m not putting women back 200 years by admitting this well-known fact. All I’m saying is that we are more driven by our emotions than our male counterparts. She was telling me about the details of her breakup and I started to notice some similarities between the way her ex was treating her and the way her father used to treat me. I was flooded with all these emotions. Triggers from my past. Scars left from years of emotional and physical abuse started to surface with this seemingly harmless conversation with my teenage daughter. I put up with a lot in my marriage. My ex and I were the typical high school sweethearts. We grew up together, and, to this day, so much of my past life is tied to him. It’s been a tough journey to find my independence, and to reclaim my identity, which included my self-worth. I’m a strong, independent woman now. I know my value. I value myself in a way that I never have before. I’ve purged myself of many of the toxic people whose only goal in life seemed to be to watch me fail. One of the things my daughter told me about her breakup was that she couldn’t believe how quickly her ex had moved on to another girl. Now, I wanted to quickly dismiss this as typical teenage relationship drama; however, it really brought up an old trigger for me. My ex was a cheater. Plain and simple. If there was a woman he could sleep with, he would. Our years together, our friendship, our past meant absolutely nothing as long as he could fulfill that need. When he started cheating, it was like opening Pandora’s Box. Things were never the same after that. I was a good wife. Our sex life was active and frequent. Most men would be jealous about the amount of time we spent in bed. In fact, this is something my new man has struggled with as our own relationship has grown. A few of his infidelities involved women who were my friends. These were the women who I confided in, even about my ex, in my darkest hour. To find out that they were going behind my back and sleeping with my ex was a betrayal like I’ve never felt before. In fact, this betrayal was probably worse than the betrayal by my ex, since these were my “ride or die” chicks.

Don’t let bitterness blacken your soul

Hearing my daughter complain about this treatment from her now ex-boyfriend really got to me. She knows a little about her father’s infidelity, but definitely not all the details. Truth be told, it would devastate her if she found out just how much I tolerated trying to keep our family unit together. She actually told me that she knew my ex was dating married women after our separation. This really affected her. She confided in me one day that she never wants to end up with a man who didn’t value the sanctity of marriage. Watching her own family unit dissolve, then watching her father engage in acts that might yet ruin another family, had a very profound effect on her. As I listened to and internalized her story, I kept thinking how surreal it was that history seemed to be repeating itself. Then I got mad. I stopped with the self pity and went into that protection mode that only a mother can know (sorry men, but hell hath no fury and all that shit). I quickly went from sympathetic to protective mama bear. I was bound and determined to never let any man get over on my daughter the way her father got over on me. He crushed my self-esteem, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let that happen to my daughter. She has really internalized this breakup herself. Being the emotional, sensitive girl she is (qualities I’m very proud she displays), she quickly turned introspective. Everything about this breakup became fodder for her to start to question her own self image. She wasn’t pretty enough. She thinks she’s fat. She didn’t realize that the flaw wasn’t necessarily in her, but that maybe the problem was with the integrity of her ex and her friends. I know it takes two people to make something go bad, but that doesn’t mean that the share of the blame is always 50-50. It definitely doesn’t mean that there was anything fundamentally wrong with her outside of having the normal teenage experiences everyone should have as they grow up.

Don’t let someone dilute your passion down to something that fits their narrative

My daughter is a beautiful person, inside and out. She is funny, smart, kind, and compassionate. Like me, she has a big, forgiving heart. I don’t want her to become jaded and lose sight of these qualities, because they are admirable qualities to have.She is still reeling from the butterfly effect that comes with divorce. Since she is so empathetic, it also makes her fragile. She asked him to be respectful of her feelings and to not do anything intentionally hurtful. She’s smart enough to know this probably wasn’t her forever relationship, but she knew she wanted someone who would treat her with kindness and respect.   So, what’s my advice for her so she doesn’t fall trap to someone whose motivation is self serving and not at all what she should look for in a companion? Don’t Let Bitterness Blacken Your Soul I want her to be confident in who she is, and not be afraid to put herself out there. She has a lot to offer someone in the form of friendship or a relationship, and, we all know, there’s nothing like bitterness to mask your true self. I want her to always love hard. I’m unapologetic about the quality and intensity of love I gave. Don’t let someone dilute your passion down to something that fits their narrative. My ex thinks I’m “crazy” but he didn’t value my love and, in the long run, never deserved a strong woman in the first place. Maintain Your Core Values The old adage of, “be true to yourself” definitely applies here. Too many times I’ve watched close friends change themselves fundamentally to bend to the will of another (this goes for men as well). Integrity is such and important trait. It’s not just about knowing right from wrong, it’s about staying true to the values you hold dear. I didn’t want to see this breakup make her question these aspects of her own self that are the building blocks of her future womanhood. Embrace Your Flaws She really had a negative body image after this. She felt that this boy’s rejection of her as a girlfriend was somehow a rejection of everything that she was. All too often, especially after a breakup or a divorce, we hyperfocus on every perceived flaw. I remember after my own separation, I really struggled with my own perception of my physical beauty (we won’t even get into the mental wreck I was). My ex had pointed out flaws in my body that were created when I sacrificed my body so we could have a family. He exploited those imperfections, and, even recently, those insults at times will echo in my head when I’m not feeling my best. I want her to see the beautiful person that I see every time she looks at herself. Everyone has flaws. That’s life. She is more than just the sum of her perceived flaws. I want her to look at the whole person. Learn to Have Thick Skin This is the tough love part of being a mother. That delicate balance between being protective and teaching her that life can be unfair at times. You have two options. You can let it bring you down, or you can fight on. My ex really did a number on my self-esteem (if I haven’t made that clear). She can learn from my mistakes. There’s a difference between being tough and cold. I want her to be tough but still maintain compassion. People are going to say some mean shit to you and you have to learn how to brush that off and still love the person looking back at you in the mirror. She is a strong girl, and I know she is going to be a strong woman. She doesn’t need to allow toxic people with bad intentions keep her down. Neither should you.