A Selfie A Day- The Truth Behind the Lens

I’m a picture addict. I love to capture moments. Even the smallest, most seemingly insignificant moments I like to capture. Those are memories. Once they are gone, those moments can’t be recreated.

I’ve always been a picture taker. Even when I was young, I always kept a collage of pictures on my wall. They were my memories on display and I could relive them every time I looked up.

…I absolutely hated myself.

Most of us like to relive the happy moments, but what happens when you stop seeing the beauty of your daily life? What happens when you don’t feel there are any moments worth capturing?

For me, I’ve struggled with my own happiness. I looked in the mirror and I didn’t like the person staring back at me. I had lost myself. I was lost, alone, and I just couldn’t find the beauty in anything anymore. It was a struggle for me to find a moment that I wanted to capture.

There were some happy times then, but I was so detached from the world I couldn’t see the beauty. Especially in myself. Truth be told, I absolutely hated myself. I had been made to feel so worthless for so long, I started to internalize the abuse. It became my reality. I was hyper focused on it and I couldn’t see any beauty anymore.

I was trying to recapture myself, not just the physical but my mental state as well.

I had reached a point where it was even a struggle to get ready for work because I didn’t want to have to look at the stranger in the mirror. I didn’t know that woman. I despised that person. I couldn’t figure out the source of my animosity, but it was there. It was unavoidable and those feelings were as tangible as any object I put my hands on during that time.

I had to force myself to start taking pictures again. It was a struggle. Finding some thread of light when all my eyes could focus on was darkness was a challenge. I knew that I needed to change my mindset, but I just couldn’t figure out how.

So, I started focusing on things I could control, and I started taking pictures again. It would be something simple. For example, if I thought my outfit looked cute that day, I would take a picture. Maybe my eyebrows were on point that day, so I would take a selfie.

I was trying to recapture myself, not just the physical but my mental state as well. I felt so out of control mentally, that it felt like the only thing I did have control over was my outfits, my hair, my eyebrows, or something else seemingly superficial.

It’s not superficial to try to make yourself feel beautiful. Every woman deserves to feel beautiful every day. You should be able to look in the mirror and be proud of the person you see looking back.

Some of you might be reading this and thinking, “wow, that’s so conceited.” Guess what? It’s not. There’s a connection between your body, mind, and soul. If one is lost, the others will suffer too. So, how are you supposed to find balance within yourself? How do you find harmony with everything is so out of control?

When you love someone unconditionally, you don’t really notice their flaws.

For me, I started to reclaim my confidence one selfie at a time. In my past, I found contentment in images. I could look and feel the positive energy flowing from those happy moments captured on film.

I knew my self-confidence was severely lacking. I knew my own image of myself was in a state of constant turmoil. You see, I was told for a very long time that my physical flaws were ugly. I was never made to feel safe, or beautiful, or protected, or smart by any means. This wasn’t just an isolated incident, this was constant. 

I was conditioned to feel low, unlovable, and, ultimately, unworthy of love from my childhood into my adult life. First from my mother, my godawful aunt who called me ugly and stupid (at every family function), then from my ex-husband and his family who constantly critiqued every picture I took. I almost stopped taking pictures altogether at this point. These comments played over and over in my head like a movie on a constant loop. 

The one incident that was the absolute worst happened during the early weeks of myseparation from my now ex-husband. All I can really recall was to pull myself together to go Christmas shopping so I could try to enjoy my first holiday as a single parent. I sat in the car, wiping off my tears one by one. I saw my phone light up with the most painful email that I have ever had to endure. This came from my husband’s “side chick.” This woman has a reputation for being a home wrecker, she floated from brother to brother. Let’s just say, she is well known by the male members (pun intended) of my ex’s family. When my phone lit up the first thought I had was…

For the love of god, this bitch is back. She’s like a cancer.

Did I mention I caught my ex cheating with this woman while I was pregnant with my youngest child?

I began to read the email and my heart sank lower than it ever had before, I felt like my stomach was literally going to fall out of my ass. The body of the email included content that only he and I should know. It was very private. She began to explain details of my body that HE constantly reminded me were flawed. She began to describe, in detail, every stretch mark and how it disgusted him. 

Not to mention he played the (often used) battered husband sympathy card. It all hurt. Every single sentence felt as if the period punctuated at the end. Was used by a bullet from a .45 caliber with one shot piercing right through every layer of flesh and through my heart (what was left of it) to my soul. My character as i knew was being chipped off little by little. I think in that moment, I actually heard the sound of my heart shatter. The man I was supposed to love and trust, the man i was watched take his vows not once but twice. The man that was supposed to love me unconditionally, had used me as a pawn for his own selfish amusement, for his own sexual gain.

I think that moment will scar me forever. Christmas Eve has never been the same since.

When you love someone unconditionally you don’t really notice their flaws. I notice his now but the lord know I loved every inch of that man. I now understand the why I loved i loved him was not the way he loved me.  You love someone for  WHO that person is, not what they are. We are all more than just the sum of our looks, our job, or what we can do for someone else. The people who truly love you, accept you, flaws and all, and still want you in their livesI

I started capturing images of when I was feeling good.

Maybe at first it was spawned from a new outfit (retail therapy always works for me, right ladies?) but I noticed that I started taking pictures again.

Seeing an old friend. Feeling love. A smile here or there. A beautiful sunset. My children playing on the beach. Shopping with my two little girls. Playing with the silly Snapchat filters with my children. Capturing my daughters softball game. Riding on a motorcycle down the coast. To me I couldn’t never get those memories back.

All great memories now frozen in time. I started to see my worth again and I captured every single moment where I felt worthy, loved, content, or just plain happy.

I made a conscious effort to take a selfie a day. I once again immersed myself in those moments that make life wonderful. I found my drive, my passion, and my confidence.

All in a single moment thaI could look at myself and say, “fuck yeah, I felt good there.”

i posted these pictures, not for validation from anyone else (I can honestly give a shit about validation), but to remind myself how I felt on that day. I wanted to share my confidence with everyone, and they didn’t have to understand my motivation behind any of it;

I didn’t owe an explanation to anyone.

For me, that’s when I knew I was at my most confident.

When I can live the life I want and don’t have any surplus fucks to give for anyone’s negative opinions of me.

Just in case nobody has told you today (or in a while), you are beautiful, smart, and powerful.

I’ve received a lot of hate mail as a result of this. I’ve been called conceited, stuck up, self-absorbed, shallow, the list goes on. I’m part of a couple divorce / healing / narcissist survivor groups online and I even received negative comments from the women who claim to be there for one another as they struggle with their own demons.

I was told by this lady from the narc survivor group, that maybe I should just go find a beauty group to post to. Fucking shocking! This woman was using my profile picture to form her opinion without knowing anything about me. I’m fucking tired of feeling judged. I’m certainly not going to apologize for taking control of my healing process. I’ll never apologize for finding a strategy to help reclaim my self-confidence which I thought had been forever lost in depression’s abyss.

If I seem angry about this, The fuck I am.

For people to have the audacity to judge ones character by a selfie or how many selfie’s I take is beyond me.

You never know what someone is going through behind closed doors or behind the little squares you scroll across on social media. There’s plenty of truth behind my pictures…behind the lens.

I will continue to capture those moments where I feel my best, even if it’s only for that moment in time. I live for those perfect moments, and you should too.

So what if I take and post pictures of when I’m feeling strong, beautiful, passionate,

or confident?

If you have a problem with that they can eat a dick.

Their opinion doesn’t matter. Their opinion of me holds no weight. Because guess what?  I know who I am and only I have known where I have been. I know my sins, I know where my heart is with nothing but good intentions.

I suffered for a long time under the control of narcissistic people who gaslighted me into thinking I was unworthy of love or not enough to fit their narrative . My ex and his evil family couldn’t break me.  My Mother Dearest couldn’t break me. My family that sat at my own baby shower laughing at me being the only daughter out of all my 5  sisters,

being the “only one without beauty and brains”

or that god awful Aunt of mine, being an adult that she was and breaking me down when I was at most fragile state of my childhood trauma. She too couldn’t break me.

I say all that to say this…You have to be one of those people to look your past or your perceived flaws and find the beautiful person within. 

Just in case nobody has told you today (or in a while), you are beautiful, smart, and powerful. There are people in this world who benefit from having you in their lives as much as you benefit from having them in yours. Your opinions matter and you are needed.

I challenge anyone reading this to take a selfie a day and capture some true beauty. Post it, share it with the world, or keep it to yourself. It’s your life, and it’s time to make sure you are living.

 

#TheTruthBehindTheLens