Why Douchebags Get Laid: How Insecurity Manipulates You

Why do douchebags get laid? this is the million dollar question, right ladies?

Maybe I should even direct this question towards the men. We all know the stereotypical douchebag. Maybe a little overdressed, overconfident, talks too loud, and seems to get away with saying shit that would get most men slapped. This is the guy who can seemingly do and say what he wants and, at the end of the night, go home with a girl or two on his arm.

However, I’m not talking about that stereotypical douchebag, going out and conquering as many women in a weekend as possible. You do you. I have no problem with a single man, or woman, going out and getting freaky with whomever they please. This article isn’t about you. This article is about a different type of douchebag.

For me, personally, that person was an undercover douchebag.

So, the real question I want to put out to you is what causes a woman to have a sexual desire, while in a relationship, for a man that treats her like crap? Maybe some of you don’t have that desire, but I know more than a few women who had or currently are in bad relationships, with very active sex lives. Where does that desire come into play? What about this poor treatment translates to passion in the bedroom? Those questions have been on my mind lately.

I’ve known women who have been cheated on consistently, demeaned, taken advantage of, gaslighted, and yet they still engaged in regular, active sex with their partner. I have a guy friend who can’t seem to wrap his head around this concept, and I wanted to figure this out for myself.

For me, personally, that person was an undercover douchebag. It took me a long time to see behind the curtain and truly understand his narcissistic traits, because I was in love. Love can really fuck with your head sometimes. I wanted the fairytail. He came across as genuine, soft spoken, charming, and just a pretty smooth individual overall. However, that was merely a facade. He manipulated myself and everone else into feeding his ego by generating sympathy because of his remission from cancer when he was younger. On social media, we lived that fairy tale, but the truth was the opposite.

In reality, he was very secretive and sneaky. He presented himself as a mysterious man, but it was just a cover for him to lie, cheat, and manipulate. That included our sex life. I found myself always wanting to please him or just make him happy. I was hoping that I was going to be the person to bring out, and eventually recieive, his absolute best.

A lot of women look at men as projects. Their love is the only thing that can posibly change this leopard’s spots, so they allow themselves to be manipulated. I believed all the lies that every girl believes. “I love you” or “I don’t know whose number that is…” or “I didn’t search her on Facebook” or (my personal favorite) “She’s my cousin.” He would take rumors like, “I heard from someone else you were cheating on me, so…” to justify his actions.  I believed all the lies and allowed him to spin these things to make me feel guilty for events from our past.

At the end of the day, I was literally scrubbing the shame of all this off my body.

I always protected his image and ego.  I was looked at as a bitch for standing up for him or the family. He always came across as the “good guy” and I always was the one who had to take one for the team. However, it was just his team, I wasn’t even sitting on the bench in his eyes.

I found myself being submissive to him because I felt like I would lose him. I had a justified fear of him cheating on me, so I gave in to his sexual wants and desires, whenever and however he wanted. At the end of the day, I was literally scrubbing the shame of all this off my body.

I think the underlying concept here, and what it really boils down to, is insecurity. In essence, you are settling for less than you deserve. Sure the sex might be good. Hell, it might be absolutely amazing, but, if you’re really being honest with yourself, you’re really cheating yourself out of something real.

Love doesn’t cheat, gaslight, or demean. Love doesn’t keep score or make you feel like you’re not enough, or never will be enough. Love doesn’t think you are crazy, or at least, loves your certain type of crazy. Love knows you’re true worth. Love sees this, celebrates it, and brings out the best in you.

Let me ask you a question. Do you love yourself? Might seem like a pretty simple question, but I think it connects to the topic here. If you love yourself, you’d never let someone purposely ignore you, right? You’d never let anyone treat you like their second choice. You would know your true worth and tell that person to walk (or walk yourself).

…or maybe a fear that this is the last person who might come along.

So, why continue to have an active sexual relationship with someone who doesn’t respect the relationship as a whole or value you? Why continue the relationship at all? I know this might be an oversimplification of personal issues that go much deeper, but I feel the question is valid. Even though I mentioned above about this being part of a relationship, this also applies to anyone who finds themselves waiting for another person to commit to you completely.

Don’t mistake my question or position here. I’m not talking about using sex as a tool or weapon in a relationship. However, your sex life should be an extension of the relationship itself. If your relationship is happy, healthy, and rewarding, then I’m sure that your sex life will mirror those aspects. If you’re relationship is not, yet your sex life is active, where’s the disconnect?

Again, I feel this boils down to insecurity. Insecure people can’t possibly imagine a world where someone might wake up, look over at them, and thank god for bringing such an amazing person into their life. Ultimately, they feel themselves unworthy and unlovable, so they are willing to put up with much more out of a fear of abandonment; or maybe a fear that this is the last person who might come along.

It’s a sense of relief for insecure people to find someone who seems to have feelings for them. It’s almost like some unseen anchor has detached itself from the bottom of the ocean, allowing them to drift free of being weighed down by loneliness and insecurity.

I think that’s why so many women settle for douchebags. It doesn’t matter the amount of red flags that wave in their faces, they just don’t feel good enough to make the decision to let this person walk and tackle life alone. That’s the core of settling.

When you are insecure and you settle, then there’s almost nothing you won’t do to keep that person happy. That includes meeting their sexual needs and desires, even if your own emotional (and possibly sexual) needs and desires aren’t being met. It’s the “I better keep him happy” mentality, and it’s absolute poison.

You end up underestimating yourself and settling for less than you want or deserve. The irony is that many insecure people are personally very protective of their friends and family. If you saw your best girlfriend in a toxic relationship, you would be protective of her feelings and fight for her well-being. You believe SHE deserves love, but don’t project those same feelings onto yourself.

That will never happen until you learn to overcome insecurity…

Insecure people have a warped self-image. You can take the most beautiful woman in the world, sprinkle her with insecurity, and what she will see in the mirror definitely isn’t what is reflected. This type of insecurity is dangerous because that’s when the door is opened for a douchebag to come in and take advantage of a vulnerable person.

Someone who suffers from insecurity will be always doubting their worth. They will always settle for less than they deserve. Until you can come to terms with your own worth, then you’ll continue to feel undeserving of love and happiness. You’ll feel like your love would be burdensome to anyone else and the cycle of destruction will continue. That, my friends, is why douchebags get laid.

Just in case you haven’t heard this in a while, you are a catch and there is someone out there who will love and appreciate you for you. Someone who will wake up every day and make your happiness a priority. Someone who will put your needs above theirs and you will want to do the same for them in return. That is a healthy, happy relationship. That will never happen until you learn to overcome insecurity and love the person you see in the mirror.