The Freak Show

I have frustratingly reached that point (again…really?) where I am feeling defeated, disrespected, discarded, and absolutely powerless.

I’ve thought of a hundred if not a thousand of different ways how to handle this situation. I never realized how many of those options you can play out  in your head in just the span of a single thought.

So, I decided to do what I do best. USE MY WORDS! Now, I have been labeled as manipulative because of my ability to articulate my feelings. I don’t feel the need to apologize for using my intellect.

The stories I am about to tell you all are all true and through my perspective. If these stories of my life wouldn’t make a great Lifetime movie pilot  (Good vs Evil) then I don’t know what would.

They say evil can come in all forms. Let me tell you all, it sure does.

I find myself once again immersed in life’s freak show. Evil has once again reared its ugly head, this time, however, I have the luxury of not having to call that evil “family”. I freed myself from their oppression and daily mind fuck, but because I tend to see the best in people, it has once again found itself slithering up to my door.

There’s nothing worse than letting nostalgia cloud your reality. I like to help people. I take pride helping others. I’m empathetic like that.

The last few months, I had the evil knocking at my door, homeless, depressed from a recent break up, and spinning some bullshit story of rape by her ex boyfriend. I was extremely hesitant. I knew what trash she came from. I felt that all too familiar twinge of women’s intuition pulsating in the pit of my stomach.

I fuckin caved. I FUCKIN CAVED!

To be honest, it was nice having someone new around. Poor thing was so lost. No one to truly guide her in life. I couldn’t stop to think what I would do if my own daughter needed someone the way this girl was needing me.

I guess I was hungry for a new friendship. I haven’t had one in so long. I’ve been so closed off for a couple of years now. Soon, I was hit with the ugly truth and I was now a part of their freak show. .

Brief back story. I’ve been a part of this family for 22years. I knew how she was raised. Those nostalgic memories came flooding back to the little girl with big brown eyes and a beautiful, vivacious smile. Asking if I needed any help with my then infant son. Back then, I was about 21 and living with my ex husband’s mother. That family hated me the moment they heard I was going to be replacing my step daughter’s mother. No one talked to me. EVER!

When they did, it was always with disrespect. I could always hear my ex mother-in-law talking about me and how she couldn’t believe her son was going to be with “that girl” (rolling her eyes and smacking her lips). Their cousins, who I went to high school with, would bully me as stories were created.

It was a terrible feeling being in that house of horrors.  I knew I wasn’t welcomed but, loving someone as much as I did, I was willing to go through all of it for him.

There was something about this little girl. I always kept a soft spot for her.  Her mother is a drug addict. She was raised by her grandmother. Every time I saw her, she was following her alcoholic grandmother around and I knew she would most likely never know true unconditional love. Being as young as she was her choice of clothes spoke for itself. Way too revealing for someone so young and screaming for ATTENTION.

How do I know, you might ask? Because I was once that girl too.

Let’s fast forward. Being that I was going through my own life’s shit show with my co parent and children, I let down my guard but with my eyes open. I started to see some things that were a red flag. Initially, I threw up my guard but it was when she told me that she was sleeping with the father of her aunt’s child (her favorite aunt)  is when I began to keep my distance. I knew then this once beautiful little girl became one of them. Just as ugly and evil.

She then made me her target. Manipulated conversations, contacting my loved ones to slander my character.  She harassed me at my child’s functions. She even went as far as engaging with one of my children with threats and slander (What ever the circumstances were, children are OFF limits) as well as opened up false dating profiles on the internet using my picture.

There are those people in our lives who seem able to bring about only the worst…

I recently had to remove myself from an important event because one of these uneducated cult members decided to bring the misery of their own unfulfilling life to said event. I found myself looking at two options: 1. Lower myself to their level and face the repercussions of that choice (which would have been very satisfying I have to admit but would have ultimately put one in the hospital and me in jail). 2. Remove myself from the situation and take a bite of the shit sandwich.  

There are those people in our lives who seem able to bring about only the worst in people, and let me tell you, my readers, that I’ve had my share. I think at some point we reach our emotional limit where all bets are off, especially when we feel threatened and need to protect ourselves, right? We ALL  possess some type of rage or act in a way with intentions with zero fucks given. This is especially true for all the Mama bears out there (like me), when the innocent are involved.

These people seem to forget I unfortunately married into a toxic family that enables their children well into adulthood, and still continues to allow this to happen to this very day. I know how they think think and tic. All with selfishness, disrespect (especially towards women), and outright narcissism are the qualities that are championed here. I watched as they attempted to rip my family apart with nothing but cruel and evil intentions. I’ve seen them come together as a cult to bully others for most of my life. I know they don’t give a shit about anyone and anything if it doesn’t serve some want or perceived need that they deem important.

I’ve watched them turn on one another other. I’ve watched incest, sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, neglect and well… I’ll just leave that there.

What family purposely wants to watch their own children’s families become broken?

These people don’t know anything about honor, loyalty, integrity, or the true meaning of family. This was punctuated in the past as I watched brother turn on brother, one putting the other in jail without remorse. While in jail, the family ran up the incarcerated brother’s credit card debt into the thousands. This is bad enough, but when you consider that one brother took the fall for the other’s crime (without asking to do so), you would think there would be some loyalty. But not here. In their twisted version of reality, it is perfectly ok to leave a family member (with young children) deep in debt, without a car, all while turning their backs on those left behind.

I found myself being stalked by my then brother-in-law, whose intentions (as confessed by his own wife) was the dissolution of my marriage. What family purposely wants to watch their own children’s families become broken? This one does. To me, this just punctuates the freak show I was immersed in for over two decades. 

…I had to put the negative feelings aside and be the only person in their lives trying to do the right thing for them.

What is really heartbreaking is that they don’t care how any of this affects anyone involved, blood related or not. I finally reached a point where I couldn’t care less what my reputation was to them. It took me a very long time to get to that point.  I realized that no matter how much good there is in me (the good deeds, good hearted, etc…) the bad will always be the source of their focus. The good news is that I don’t value any of them anymore.

For the benefit of my children, I had to put all the negative feelings aside and be the only person in their lives who is trying to do the right thing for them. We’ve had our share of family struggles recently, and that’s where I have realized the true value of a coparenting relationship.

There’s an old saying that states, “you divorce your spouse, not your children”. I have friends who are divorced and yet still manage a civil coparenting relationship for the benefit of their children. That, my readers, is called being an adult.

Sure, do I look at my ex in disgust and want to punch a hole through his fat face? Of course I do, but I keep those feelings to myself. I know it is in the benefit of our children if we have a solid coparenting relationship.

However, now my personal boundaries have been crossed. My reputation  as a business owner is again being manipulated by lord knows who (at this point). I don’t know who to trust. This has left me at this pivotal point. Where I can’t help to think there is an ulterior motive from the smallest gestures exhibited from my coparent or anyone.

As short lived as it might have been, I got a glimpse of how it could be…

I have worked so hard rebuilding my life after 2years post divorce from the only love I knew. To let go all my anger and hate towards him and that family for OUR children so we can co parent and to be backstabbed has broken my heart in ways I can only understand. I’m pissed at myself. Why you might ask? Simple…because I caved. He knew I was vulnerable, emotionally overwhelmed,  and broken which involved one of my children.

 There’s something so relieving about being able to lean on a coparent when children need both mom and dad in their corner. It was a welcome relief to me as I could have been living in every mother’s nightmare.

Sparing you all the heartbreaking details (Out of respect, as it is not my story to tell).  As short lived as it might have been, I got a glimpse of how it could be and that’s why the recent freak show was so disheartening.

My own personal boundaries have been disregarded and disrespected recently. It’s the job of every coparent to make sure that people (especially ill intentioned family members that have NEVER had our best interest at heart) do NOT interfere with their relationship with the former spouse. That person is still the children’s mother or father and deserves to be able to help repair the broken family unit unencumbered.  

So, how is a coparent supposed to move forward when they feel like there is a motive behind every action? How do you learn to trust someone enough to continue that much needed coparenting relationship when their every action leads to yet another shit show? How do you trust this coparent with your children? YOUR CHILDREN!?!?!?

…parents are responsible for shaping their children into the people they will ultimately become.

Learning to rise above the fray is much easier said than done. Sure, it can be easy to sit back and say, “be the bigger person” or “you have to be the adult” but it doesn’t stop the irrational (and admittedly selfish) behavior to once again surface.

I was able to find a restraint in myself that I never possessed in the past. I have to rely on the adage that karma is a bitch OR the court for that matter  (which is bullshit) . Until then, I will pray for the guidance to continue to have the best interests of the innocent at heart, and hope that someone is listening to those prayers. I’m now convinced all my prayers are stuck in God’s voicemail (that i’m sure is full).

At the end of the day, parents are responsible for shaping their children into the people they will ultimately become. I would much rather instill morals, values, respect, and love in my children than deceit, hatred, and contempt.

It sucks not trusting anyone that you have as your support system. That includes my own children. I’m scared. I’m so completely guarded and often feel alone. I question absolutely everyone in my life . Being abandoned and discarded by your own parent or spouse (whose love was only given when conditions were right for them) and to learn it never was unconditional at all was not only painful but a very difficult life lesson for me.

There’s no word for that type of pain, to be honest. Grieving as if they passed and died in my heart was the only thing I could do. I didn’t know how I was going to come back from it all.

I have to admit, I abused that aspect on my end as well. I can honestly say that kind of pain changed me the last 5years of marriage and I am proud to say I no longer exhibit such a poor quality of  “Love”. Pain can change people. I’ve watched myself love even harder than before and to hold on tight, cherish and value those. However, I now only expose my own version of love to maybe a handful of people because I’m so jaded.

There’s something about love when your best friend is truly your best friend. You know, that language only you two speak and understand. Or being able to read one another by just a facial expression. (So cliche, I know).

Just because you’re given a free ticket to the freak show doesn’t mean you have to walk inside.

My point is, with love and pain I have learned to observe, self reflect, own my shit, set my boundaries and I have every right to call anyone out if I feel disrespected as I expect anyone to do the same to me in return.

However, I do not support childish behavior. Intimidation tactics, threats or to sabotage someone else’s lives. There’s a unwritten rule with us woman (our girl code so to speak). DO NOT FUCK WITH A WOMANS CHILD OR CHILDREN- PERIOD!!!! All bets are off at that point. I found myself holding on to that “rising above” bullshit.

Yet I’m proud that I lit that bridge and danced on that bitch(es) ashes. I self reflected and I am not proud of some of the irrational childish behavior that even I stooped down to in a moment of weakness.

However, I learned from it. I showed my children to walk away from something that could have ruined everything you’ve worked so hard to accomplish. Just because you’re given a free ticket to the freak show doesn’t mean you have to walk inside. Stay strong my friends. Not your circus…not your monkeys.