Devil’s Advocate: The Curse of May

“Guilt is like a bag of fucking bricks. All you have to do is put it down.” -John Milton in the Devil’s Advocate–

As they say,  “The length of your grieving time is measured by how much you deeply loved.”

There’s nothing worse than dealing with severe depression. It’s easy to get lost in those feelings and emotions, which seem to just leave you numb. I’ve been having some trouble lately expressing myself because I’ve lacked a certain depth of attunement within myself. I’ve found myself in a frozen state. I’ve unfortunately put myself in a situation where I am disconnected with my children, friends, family, and work. I can’t fully process my life and everything happening within, all because of depression.

My depression is connected to loss and grief . I’ve written about it extensively, and I’m sure many of you can relate to the topic. For me, I lost more than a just a casual friend. My loss was upwards of 10 people in a very short amount of time. They weren’t just fake friends or even that annoying aunt that likes to judge you as soon as you walk in the room (with whom an estranged relationship would be a dream come true). No, I lost the most important people in my life. I lost them by standing up for myself, protecting my family, and standing up for my (then) husband. The shitty part was losing them to greed, selfishness, pride and cruel intentions.

I was never afraid to lose people at the time. My thought process was always, “If loyalty is not shown and, if we’re not measured by our true worth and value, then you can live with the memory of us. I will always stand tall and fight for my little family and myself. As long I had my family unit in tact.”

Little did I know (back then) that the choices my ex and I made would come with such a hefty price tag. Which is why this title is so necessary. You can’t commit to such a cruel act and not expect to have the consequences (and your ass) handed to you.

At the end, we all have to live with the devastation.

What plagues me most is how I lost these people. To me I didn’t lose them, they lost us. I wasn’t greedy, selfish, or prideful. I simply set boundaries for myself and my family. You can’t just hire my soon to be ex husband behind my back and not expect your daughter to feel betrayed. I stood up for myself, I made noise, I expressed my anger and, sure, I was emotional.

I always thought that, in time, things would blow over and we would all be back to normal. It all got so much worse from there. Push came to shove. At the end, we all had to live with the devastation.

To me it was as tragic as a high speed car crash. Losing family to such petty shit is torture. Worse than death in my opinion.  Why? Because it’s a choice to go on without that person. When you lose someone to death, there really isn’t a choice made to live without one another.  However, the sadness is still the same. Loss is still loss.

That grief wouldn’t have left you questioning your self worth, either…

The grief of the disloyalty behind some of those untold stories is what I continuously battle with.

I didn’t know I was being manipulated. To them, I am the manipulator for telling a white lie such as being married long before my ex-husband and I had our big wedding in their words so “they can finance” the wedding . So far from the truth. Which mother dearest protested in our last convo this time last year .  I never once asked her for a dime to pay for my wedding (we had the money) and, truth be told, I loved my ex husband so much I wanted to be his wife. I was a grown adult, I didn’t feel the need to tell anyone and be shunned from my family again. They were known for being that cold.

What I’ve take on lately is the pain of others from my past…

I was completely rich in love with my then husband. Money carried absolutely no weight with me (and still doesn’t to this day). However, it was money that put everything in motion. Not just money, but greed, laziness, selfishness, and pride. I knew the moment the truth was revealed during that time that the devil was at play, and I knew I was never going to have a relationship again with these people once I made that ill-fated choice to dance with him. I supported my ex’s choice to hurt my family, and I watched him make decisions based on his own greed that would ultimately leave me with a lifelong curse.

… and it sure did.

Divorce comes with a whole different set of emotions and grief , especially if you were in a long term marriage.

The symbolism to the month of May (that I call a curse) is that next week will mark 2 years post divorce, days shy of what would have been our 16th anniversary from my ex husband, the father of all of my children, and my high school sweetheart. I met him when I was just a teenager, and most of my past memories (good and bad) involve him in one way or another. Including Mother’s day, which I now grieve because I have no mother and I was also once a step mother to a daughter I loved as my own and who I not longer have a relationship with either. 

I’ll save you all the stomach turning details of our marriage, because that is not what this article is about.

What I’ve taken on lately is the pain of others from my past. I haven’t been so productive at communicating my truth, my needs, etc. It’s easy, when your plate is full, to allow things to fester and allow life to get complicated.

Depression has a way of immobilizing a person’s entire world. Those systems that keep you in harmony with the universe are very adept at shutting you down. I only pray I come out of it alive and with the healing power of time, compassion, and understanding of others. The healing process takes time, and I (again) find myself still trying to heal from past trauma. The month of the May puts me right back at square one with the grief of losing my own family, siblings, mother, and my step father. Unfortunately, this has become an annual tradition. May just breaks me down emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

Recently, my loyalty has been tested (once again), questioned, and vilified. What is a person to do when their own bonds of loyalty are constantly put under scrutiny? This is exactly what many of us deal with in the time following a divorce.

…once the love goggles were removed…I was forced to confront the inherent evil…

Let me make something very clear for all of you. I’m as loyal a bitch as you’ll ever meet. I always tell people that I am the type of person you go to war beside, not against.

This concept of loyalty is really the root of where my depression has been stemming from lately.  When I was married I wasn’t always a good wife, but at the end I was as fuckin loyal as they come. Right before we filed for divorce, I was extremely committed to salvaging our broken family unit. I wanted nothing more than to live out the rest of our lives together.

Being married at such a young age, there were parts of my marriage where our loyalty towards one another was tested. We both hurt each other, and I take ownership of my role and my actions. Nobody is perfect, and it takes a lot of courage to own your shit. I can honestly say that I have made my peace with that time, but, as for the other party…never once has there been any accountability (just hidden emails and bank statements that really spoke the truth).

All you can do is pray that the blow is a little softer the next time around.

The reality is, once the love goggles were removed (fuck that…ripped off with pleasure) and I was forced to confront the inherent evil plaguing my current co-parenting situation, my perception changed quite significantly. I’ve had that person’s back through everything and there still is not an ounce of loyalty shown in return. The worst part is that this evil continues to lurk around the innocent, poisoning their little, pure minds. This type of evil preys on thriving, happy families, where the only mission is to destroy.

There is something to be said about being broken. Those pieces can be put back together with love and tenderness in time. However, who’s to say you will never be broken again. All you can do is pray that the blow is a little softer the next time around.

I heard from someone today that I am a “Drama Queen” (shocking). That label I know all too well. It doesn’t make me drama because I know how to channel my feelings. Maybe “Drama Queen” isn’t the correct word choice I would use. It just makes them emotionally disconnected. Saying that to anyone would be an attack, right?

I know I’m intense. I know if I feel disrespected, taken advantage of, or if my relationship with anyone is abused by any way, I have absolutely no problem telling someone where to go and how fast they can get there. I have personal boundaries. I have put up with more bullshit in the recent years than ever before. I will not tolerate anything less than I deserve.

I will be the best friend that clocks your boyfriend for you if I see him disrespecting you (true story). I will be the wife you starve with if we’re broke (also true). I will be the mother that will never leave you to go through any of your life’s trials alone. I’ll cry with you and assure you that you’re not going through this alone. I’m also the daughter sleeping bed side in the hospital when death is knocking at your door (recently true). I am the person that gives the homeless a home, even when they ultimately show their true colors.

My point is, loving people as they are, with all their baggage, those are the ones that need love the most. Those are the people who have had me by their side through the darkest of days.

Don’t think for one second that if wrong is done to me I will sit there and tolerate it. I will NEVER again tolerate anything less than I deserve. I will always love hard. Why? Because I know how it feels to not be valued or to feel any love at all. I know what it feels like to not be heard.

Everyone has their breaking point, and, at this point I am DONE…DONE…DONE! The type of done like the day I packed up everything and left his sorry ass. Again, that came with a price that only my children are paying for. I will never let anyone in and allow us to be discarded again like we didn’t matter.

I thought we were Bonnie and Clyde…

God blessed me with the wisdom of understanding. Understanding my true worth and value. He freed me from the evil and toxicity that sneaks inside people’s homes like a thief in the night and robs families and children from a loving home.. I once made my home inside those prison walls (my marriage and the demons that came with it). The day I decided to leave was my rebirth.

I didn’t really begin to understand the concept of loyalty until recently. I would say that it wasn’t until the past five years that the word has really become more than just a concept from a textbook or a song lyric that you absentmindedly sing aloud while driving to nowhere in particular.

I think that it takes a true breach in loyalty, and the recognition of that breach, for you to really appreciate what it means to be loyal. For me, once the love goggles were off, I saw the two-faced truth behind a person I thought had my back. I thought we were Bonnie and Clyde, but in reality, we were more like Batman and the Joker.

I will never be sorry for loving them the way I did.

I realized that he seemed to make it his mission in life (and still does to this day) to ruin me and exclude me from my children’s lives. He takes a sadistic pleasure in watching me struggle, and has tried on countless occasions to turn my own children against me. The irony of a 40 year old man with no ambition or prospects, working a dead end job, and who is still sucking off mommy’s tit (and bank account), disparaging MY character is not lost on me.

I’m not the only one with this fucked up curse. I truly believe evil swallowed my ex husband whole and spit back another fucked off version of him. He doesn’t look the same AT ALL . He’s aged 10 years in the 2 years post divorce. He doesn’t smile the same, laugh the same, he is no longer the man I once married in a pink shirt and blue jeans. He’s now a coward with bitter intentions only. My point is my ex will always have to live with the fact that he never protected his family and to remain with his wife as a united front against this war. And every year I will grieve because my family died in the cursed month of May. My whole family.  I will never be sorry for loving them the way I did.

Enough sour grapes. I’m sure we could sit and trade douchebag stories all day. How does this apply to you, my readers?

Don’t allow someone who doesn’t deserve your loyalty to impugn your character. Loyalty is something that should be taught, and modeled, to children at a very young age. Family should come first ALWAYS. It doesn’t matter if the parents are still together or not. Respect is something that needs to available in plentiful supply for the children to emulate.

Regardless of how petty, conniving, deceitful, and nasty the other person might want to be, you need to stay true to your own morals and values. If both parents aren’t teaching the children about loyalty, then you are working from a disadvantage. It is important to try to take the moral high ground and remember that there are always innocent eyes watching how you handle situations of adversity.

What version of adulthood are you going to demonstrate to them? Are you going to be petty and immature? Or are you going to be the example of what an adult should be, even when the world seems pitted against you?

Even though I said earlier that I was coming out of my depression, what I really should have said is that I am fighting it. It can be a spiritual and emotional war. The calmness, the peace, and the self love are in short supply when you’re confronted with grief and depression. If you aren’t getting this from the people who are supposed to be your support system, then you are stuck trying to do it all yourself. This is especially troublesome when you are constantly being gaslighted.  

Don’t be that person that leaves a permanent scar.

This can be a difficult task when you don’t feel strong enough to handle almost anything. It’s important that you try to not isolate yourself too much. I know it seems easier to just keep the burden all to yourself, but that’s something that needs to be shared. Find some sort of support. Whether that’s with friends, family, or anonymously. There are plenty of us out there with similar experiences, and finding those important connections will help to validate your pain and give you a positive place to restart that healing journey.

Your own healing journey is uniquely yours. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Sure, we can all bond through similar experiences, but your pain is your burden to bear. It can be lessened by connecting with family, friends, and other support systems that want to see you thrive. Be patient, setbacks will happen, but do your best to stay strong in the face of your own May curse, whatever that may be. Doesn’t matter how many setback you have, but you don’t let it  get all of you each time.

Always be gentle and confront any situation with tenderness when possible. It doesn’t matter if it’s at home, at work, a family gathering or any other setting. People hurt people. Don’t be that person that leaves a permanent scar.

As for me, I’m getting stronger every day. I have closure each year, and I come to realize my faults and others too. There’s no question that I would change some of my actions (in a heartbeat) that perhaps caused others pain. I would do almost anything to get most of those people back in my life. I do love the woman I have become. I know who I am. I have no apologies grieving the loss of those individuals. Because that’s why I know how deeply I loved you all. 

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