Let’s Talk About Sex: Part 2 to Sex Education

Let’s talk about sex. Do you think relationship sex is better than Netflix and chill?

I bet if you were to ask this question to anyone, you’d be bound to get a different answer based on their own personal experiences. The guy who has never had a serious relationship will probably answer a resounding “no” simply because it’s an experience beyond his understanding.

The same goes for the high school sweethearts who have been married for 40 years and had never been with anyone else. I’m sure they would answer that relationship sex is the only way to get down. 

While the two cases above might be a little extreme, it shows that someone’s personal experiences and bias can influence how they might feel about casual sex vs. sex in a committed monogamous relationship. 

What do you think about casual sex vs. relationship sex?

Casual Sex

For many singles, the draw of casual sex is great. Who doesn’t love a good old friends with benefits situation? Both people are able to fulfill a need for a physical release without the normal pomp and circumstance of a traditional relationship.

Many people who swear by their casual encounters (no, we’re not just talking about Craigslist here) relish in the fact that both parties are willing participants in the activity. For some people, the best part of their early sexual years were finding willing partners. There are some real benefits to having just a casual relationship. 

You don’t have to remember birthdays, or anniversaries…

When the only expectation is a mutually satisfying sexual relationship, both parties, in theory, will get exactly what they want from the encounter.

For many men, the casual encounter reigns supreme because many of the excuses they tend to hear (as to why their significant other isn’t interested in sex) aren’t really much of an issue. 

If she has a headache or is on her period, then the two of you just don’t meet up that night. You don’t have to remember birthdays, anniversaries (real or manufactured) and there’s not much need to go out and spend money on anything but a few drinks, some sex toys, and condoms. 

Let’s face it, there’s something very sexy and dangerous about meeting an alluring woman, taking her home and having a wild night of sex. It can fulfill that 007 fantasy and be a real boost to the ego. Another great option is a steady girl who just wants to come over periodically for a Netflix and chill type of night. 

I don’t want you to think that men are the only ones who enjoy some no-strings attached fun. There are plenty of women out there who prefer the casual encounters as well. 

No clingy guys, no “where are you” texts, nobody asking who you are with or what time you’ll be home. Just an endless sea of penis waiting for you to dive right in. 

I’m sure most people reading this have had their share of casual sex, and can attest to the fact that it can help to scratch that itch. It can be all about finding that certain someone, ripping off your clothes, and have some wholesome (and naked) adult-themed fun. 

Too Good to be True?

Seems like the perfect arrangement, right? Maybe not as perfect as one might believe, especially when it comes to having regular orgasms. A  New York Times article from 2013, reported on a survey conducted amongst college aged women with regard to orgasms and casual sex. 

…based on that study, for many women it’s much easier to achieve an orgasm, and find sexual satisfaction, from a long-term relationship.

In the survey, only 40% of women reported having regular orgasms from their casual encounters compared to 80% of men. 80%? Really? I call bullshit here. That number just seems way too low. If I had to wager, I’d guess that a solid 98% of men achieve orgasms during sex. I understand there’s probably a few outliers in the world who have their own issues. Antidepressants anyone? 

In contrast to the low numbers from casual encounters, about 2/3rds of those same women reported achieving orgasms while in a committed relationship. 

So, based on that study, for many women it’s much easier to achieve an orgasm, and find sexual satisfaction, from a long-term relationship. 

 When presented with the results of the study, it’s only normal to ask the question of why relationship sex is seemingly more satisfying for women. 

Why Might Relationship Sex be Better?

We all know that women are much more complex beings when it comes to sex, so those numbers shouldn’t come as too much of a shock to the male audience out there. It’s no secret that many women prefer there to be a more emotional / mental connection for them to have good sex. Many women want those feelings. We want to be loved, feel special, feel beautiful, and know that we are important and valued in someone’s life. 

What is it about sex in a relationship that can be better for many people, especially women? There are a few different factors when determining why sex might be better in a long term relationship. 

1. Trust

There’s a certain level of trust in a committed relationship that isn’t necessarily there in a more casual encounter. When women trust their partner, they are more likely to immerse themselves in that person, mentally, spiritually and sexually. Two people who trust one another enough to be in a committed relationship will become closer in all aspects, so it’s just natural that the sex will get better.

Trust is sacred to a woman, and is a huge part of whether or not your relationship is fulfilling. It sets the foundation for the relationship. That’s why so many relationships have a hard time surviving infidelity. Once the trust is gone, the relationship is soon to follow. 

This translates into the bedroom because it allows people to truly let go and show a side of yourself that you wouldn’t just show to anyone. You really want to bring out the inner freak in your girl? Build a trusting relationship with her and you might just find yourself hanging from the ceiling with hot wax dripping over your body like you always fantasized about. 

2. The Big O

I know that I already covered this above, but it’s worth repeating. The end result of any sexual encounter should be that both people leave that encounter satisfied. Nobody wants a sexual experience that doesn’t end in an orgasm. Seems like simple math to me. If 2/3rds of women reported more orgasms in a relationship, then it would only make sense that sex in a relationship would be better. 

Women are emotional, feeling individuals. In a relationship they feel safer, allow themselves to let go, and truly enjoy the encounter with someone they care about more than they would with the hot guy they met that night.

Relationships bring depth. With that dept comes an increased passion which translates to more intensity in the bedroom. 

3. Feelings are a Good Thing in the Bedroom

In a casual relationship, both parties are trying to keep the feelings to a minimum. What this essentially does is close them off to a deeper connection. With that deeper connection comes a much stronger connection during sex. 

Sex is all about intimacy and connecting with another person. Sure, you can have a great and rewarding physical connection with another person, but if you add that emotional component, you’re both more likely to let go of your inhibitions which is a great catalyst for amazing sex.

Have you ever been kissed with such passion that the kiss resonates and replays for days afterwards? Imagine the passion from that kiss being channeled into days, weeks, and months of mind orgasmic pleasure. That can quickly become the stuff of fantasies. 

In a relationship, you know each other’s playlist and you both tend to be humming the same melody…

You don’t even realize that person is the star of your fantasy world until they have left that imprint on your lips. You begin to crave that person. Their scent, their taste. That’s tough to accomplish in a casual relationship. 

Once you completely fall for that person, those cravings become embedded in your brain. Often, in the initial stages of a relationship, you might try to ignore those feelings. However, once you have established a profound connection, those feelings become the peanut butter to your jelly, the fudge on your sundae, the milk to your cereal…you get where I’m going with this. 

4. You Know Each Other

When you’re in a committed relationship, the two of you start to know everything about the other person. What they like and dislike. What turns them on. Where their erogenous zones are and how to best utilize all those secret spots. You learn to develop your own language, both inside the bedroom and out. 

When you are first with someone, it takes time to get to know what they truly like sexually. That’s just something that takes a little effort and exploration to truly get in sync with another person. The last thing you want is to be getting down with some Barry White and they’re stuck on Elton John. As a girlfriend of mine once told me, “we couldn’t get the rhythm to match. His hips were going a different speed than mine.” Sorry girl, better luck next time. 

In a relationship, you know each other’s playlist and you both tend to be humming the same melody every time.  

Sex is wonderful and I’m not trying to say that you can’t have a great casual relationship where both people get what they want. Nor am I saying that every relationship out there comes with an amazing sex life. However, I know that finding a lifelong partner who you can be open, trusting, honest, candid, and comfortable with can only lead to fulfillment in so many areas that a great orgasm is just the cherry on top of a fantastic life.