Her Safe Room

This place…I fuckin hate this place. This place feels like one of the group homes (I used to live in when I was a kid) every time my mom kicked me out or beat the shit out of me. Her version of “having no more room in her heart to love me because you’re too hard to love.”  That tough of love type of home she would send me to.

Rejection. Fuckin rejection. I hate that word. Feeling rejection at such a young age is a feeling I’m forced to walk with every day. Rejection and abandonment.Two things I fear most in life

God, how can I be so stupid. I fell for it . Every word, every promise, everything, AGAIN. My whole world was torn upside down as he said, “She contacted me and I….. ” everything else he said was a blur. Sounded like a muffled phone call. 

All I kept thinking was that I was right back at that stupid fucked off pivotal point . This can’t be happening. Not him. He’s my perfect. He’s the “Im going to love you like you’ve never been loved before’.  He saw all the pain I went through and WHAT-THE-FUCK! 

He told me how a “friend” of mine had contacted him and asked him if he wanted a secret friends with benefits situation. “She doesn’t have to know…it can be our little secret…” Fucking barf. The worst part of all that? He engaged with her. He answered her. He says he entertained it “for a minute”, in real time it was 2 weeks he was considering her offer with text messages.

I didn’t even know what to feel. Anger? Betrayal? Revenge? All I kept thinking was that I was right back at that stupid fucked off pivotal point. This can’t be happening. Not him. He’s my perfect. He’s the “Im going to love you like you’ve never been loved before”. And my god did he.  He saw all the pain I went through and WHAT-THE-FUCK!

Let the shit show begin anew. I’ve lived in this place before. I’ve had a wealth of experience dealing with this my ex. Gut feelings, hidden emails, lies, loss of respect. Shall I go on ? 

God, please tell me this isn’t happening right now

Even though this place felt familiar, it was so foreign.

What do I do? Do I just throw up my hands, say “fuck it” and go out to get mine? Like any other woman out there, I could walk out my front door and find a willing dick to satisfy my thirst for revenge. But would that really solve anything? It’s not growth. I would be a hypocrite and I couldn’t fathom sacrificing my own morals and values, let alone hurting him in that same way. The pain is too rich, and I couldn’t do that to him, regardless of how insensitive and thoughtless his cowardly actions were to me.

My next thought was to deliver a serious beat down to Ms. FWB (I thought about twenty million and one ways how to serve her ass to her) , or light his shit on fire. Both very viable options in my altered state of mind. I was willing to go to jail with zero fucks to give. I was angry. Fuck, I was more than angry, I was seeing red. 

Here I was fucking broken again…Story of my fuckin’ life.

Luckily, my empathetic side took over and I started to rationalize my thought process. Were they really worth my freedom? Fuck no. No one is, besides my kids. Ive made that fucked off mistake once before with my ex husband. You bet your ass I wasn’t sacrificing anything more than my time on this article,and some tears. I’ve come too far to let anyone mess with my feelings of self-worth. As I said, I had been here before. More times than I’d really like to admit. I swore I would never be in this place again, yet…here I was.FUCK!

I felt like I was immersed in a shallow grave. Isolated. Cold. I prayed for the gravedigger to push the dirt over me and render me done. End my misery. “This life has run it’s course.”  I so sick of people hurting me. Fuckin’ sick of it. There is an old fable about Death where he shows the lights of human kind burning on a candle. Some very tall, others very short. I felt mine was flickering. 

It was supposed to be different. It was supposed to be renewed, healthy, nurturing, and strong. Here I was fucking broken once again. Story of my fuckin’ life.  

 All I wanted to know was why.  He says “she gave me attention”. Did I just hear that correctly? 

Attention?

Oh for the love of god. Lord knows,  I’ve been screaming for attention. I just wanted him to touch me, comfort me, desire me. Date me or acknowledge me on Valentines day, or spend a holiday with me at some point. Damn what I would do for him to adore me the way he use to. Look, at me the way he use to.

Why wasn’t I good enough to be loved longer than 2.5 seconds flat (it felt like)? Too good to be true. I knew it.  Why did he need to seek out the company of someone else? He knew a part of me was waiting for this to happen. Well, simply because every one I have loved has left me. Ugh! I worked my ass off on myself. I did everything right. WHAT-THE-FUCK!

A couple of girlfriends made their snide comment’s after a story posted of him. Truth be told, I’m not looking for judgement. Trust me when I say I couldn’t care less about you judging me. I have thick skin like that. What crawls under my skin is people’s lack of compassion or empathy. Be a friend. Get me out of the house. Talk to me the way I talked to you throughout the night during your heartbreak. Check on me the way I would check on you. Make sure I didn’t throw myself into oncoming traffic or in jail. Someone remind me of my strength to get through this. Remind me the same way I would go out of my way  to remind you of your strength. 

I needed a support system. Not jumping on the Judgment wagon with everyone else. Selfishness sets me off and it takes a lot to get me upset. 

Now here’s what made my stomach turn:

Why wasn’t I the most beautiful woman in the world to him anymore? Why wasn’t I “her?” The her that he loved more than anything.The her he would write about in their love notes.  The her he protected, held, cried with, and made the world feel safe again. He understood me when nobody else did, and it was all undone in the course of a few flirty text messages and I’ll never know what else. 

The trust was gone, so was my respect. (God, I loved the fact he respected me. Something my ex lacked)

I never knew healthy love until then. Even though nothing actually happened between the two (they both say), the betrayal was just as rich as if it did. 

It was a weakness I was all too familiar with. I’d seen it too many times before. It was as transparent as glass, and I could see right through all their bullshit. That weight in the pit of my stomach, was unbearable. Energy doesn’t lie. 

Fuck! I write about this stuff. How did I miss all the red flags?

So, I found myself once again back in fucked off safe room. The safe room I built from people like my narcissistic ‘Mother Dearest’, my ex husband, my brothers that sexually abused me, the list goes on.   

It’s more of a prison, truth be told. It’s safe because nobody can get in, but it doesn’t keep me safe at all. It’s a voluntary isolation for someone built to love. But…in that moment…it was necessary. 

I couldn’t let myself love again. I couldn’t let myself be vulnerable again. For what? Just to get hurt over and over and over andoverandoverandover. Fuck that!!!

I don’t deserve that and that wasn’t going to happen again. 

We probably passed by one another, heads bent in shame…

All those feelings about self-worth came screaming back to the surface. Maybe he didn’t find me attractive anymore (he never touched me) . Maybe he wanted something different (lord only knows why he wanted that junk).The same kind of junk my ex always wanted. The kind of junk that was married and tried to have an emotional relationship with my then husband. Truth be told, trash like that I have a mental hard on for.

I’ve mentioned that piece of shit before in my articles. And while at parent teacher conference with my ex, I found out they’re still having an affair (as her name popped up on his caller ID). 

At this point, her name was a trigger for me. Rehashed all the wasted time I spent with my ex. I can’t stand that bible thumping wanna be trash. If it wasn’t her, it was another and another. There were three main girls I would always catch him with.   

I knew why she was seeing my ex again. She was crying for attention. Attention that her own husband lost interest in giving her. (God I knew how she felt) I was nothing like her. Nothing!  

Maybe I had shamed him about his sex drive because it was never enough for him to the point where he was looking for something to satisfy his own thirst. God forbid, I ask for dates, to be touched, hell maybe even a kiss when coming home from work. Who knew that was asking for too much? Why wouldn’t he want that with me. 

I had an epiphany at this point. You can have the most amazing heart. You can be a beautiful person,sexy and sweet. The full package and that still might not be enough for someone. The good news is that it is more than enough for me. I had to remind myself of this, and I still struggle that my opinion of myself is really the only opinion that matters.

I know that many of my readers and listeners have been down this same road that I have traveled. My inbox is full with emails from women giving their testimonies dealing with their own douche bags. We probably passed by one another, heads bent in shame, avoiding eye contact with the world.

There’s always going to be those who hurt others without remorse (those people are emotionless and robotic ).  I keep thinking, will there always be those who only see green grass outside their own walls? These past 5 years I have seen the ugliest, most selfish, and evil kinds of people I have ever encountered . I am now convinced I’ll be forever locked in this lonely, cold place.

This part of my house, I’m afraid no one will ever see. 

Whispering to myself in God’s voice is what calms me,  “My child. You’re safe here, stay”. 

I can’t let anyone in. If I do, they might disappear. I’m emotionally scarred. I don’t want to give anyone the opportunity to hurt me and leave me again. I’ll be the only one to blame when they desert me.

So, I’ll barricade myself inside and let these trust issues eat away at me.

Self love/self worth- Fuck yea!!! I DO FUCK’N LOVE MYSELF. . The problem is people don’t love me or they’re too in love with themselves to understand true unconditional love. 

I stopped eating shit for people a long time ago. I lost my best friend recently because I was tired of her not seeing everything I did for her. 

I got sick of humbling myself to family apologizing for MY poor choices. Sure, they would forgive me to my face, but talk shit behind my back or make little hidden puns in front of me. Fuck those people.

 

I have loved everyone in my life with pure unconditional love. Ask my ex husband how long I stayed by his side through everything. Ask my best friend everything I did for her.

What’s sad is, my ex will never tell anyone all the good things I did, he’ll be the first to throw shade on my name and feed me to the wolves,

I am now convinced I’ll be stuck behind these walls. I do know one thing,  I’ll make my own happiness, and I encourage all of you to do the same. See the beauty and strength is within yourself.

Realize your full potential and be the best possible version of who you are meant to be. I can’t guarantee, the people you meet along that path will be honest and loyal as you will be. I can’t promise these people will see how amazing you truly are. Please just know you are enough.

YOU ARE ENOUGH! 

What I can promise you is that you’ll have three admirable qualities to walk with daily. Dignity, Strength and your FUCKIN INTEGRITY.  If that’s not a badass, then I don’t knowwhat it is. To me, that is what makes a BEAUTIFUL POWERFUL WOMAN (hands down)!  

As for my haters and the homewreckers. Karma has a way of hanging your ass back to you and I don’t give a fuck what they think about me. I lit that match a long time ago and burnt that bridge to ashes with a lot of you. The person you think you know is dead. Along with that part of my past, along with my

marriage, and my “Mother Dearest” of mine.

If you’re having any of these issues, give me a call, I’ll have a match ready. We’ll burn that motherfucker together…