The Devil Beside You: Narcissistic Traits vs Narcissism

Recently, I’ve had my share of WTF moments. Truth be told, I feel like I’ve been bathing in them. They flow over me like drops of water. Well, not exactly water, they are more like large gobs of mud, sticking to me. They’re pretty difficult to wash off. 

My what the fuck moments lately have been a result of my dealings with my narcissistic co-parent. I’ve written and talked about this before, and I thought that my understanding of the issue would be beneficial to my current situation. 

Don’t underestimate the power of someone whose only goal in life seems to be satisfying their own desire for revenge. It’s tough to win a pissing contest with a prick. I understand that statement more today than I ever have. I’ll talk about this more a little later in the article. 

We’re all Narcissistic

Most of us are narcissistic to a point. There’s something hardwired in our brains to look out for ourselves. We can probably trace it to the whole flight or fight instinct that exists within us. Let’s face it, self preservation can be narcissistic at the core. 

It’s when these good qualities get bastardized, that’s when the unhealthy or toxic narcissism becomes problematic.

We’ve all heard that old joke about the zombie apocalypse… you don’t have to be the fastest, just don’t be the slowest. Something like that. You know what I’m talking about. That can be seen as narcissism, at least on the simplest of levels. 

There are healthy levels of narcissism that we all should actually have to be healthy, thriving individuals. These are things like having a realistic self image, being assertive, setting boundaries, and pursuing our dreams. Most people would agree that these are actually good qualities, however narcissistic in nature they might be. 

It’s when these good qualities get bastardized, that’s when the unhealthy or toxic narcissism becomes problematic. There’s a huge difference between having a positive self image and being an arrogant dick. That over-inflated sense of self-importance is negative. 

Aggression in place of assertiveness, insults and demands instead of boundaries, and trampling over others just to get what we want are all narcissistic traits that are not healthy. I’ve been guilty at this in my past. Like I’ve said, I’ll be the first to own my faults. I’m now not okay with my past behavior. Being self aware is just as important in my daily routine as brushing my teeth.  

Unhealthy Focus on the Self

The more that someone places the brunt of their focus on their own needs and desires (in an unhealthy way), the more destructive their personality traits become. I know this because I lived in this world for such a long time. 

I lived with a man whose only aspiration in life was to get what HE wanted, regardless of the impact on anyone else. If he wanted something from someone: money, sex, or something else, he would try to get it. Since he wasn’t very smart or ambitious , he would manipulate and steal from others to get what he wanted.  If I wasn’t his personal sex doll, ready at a moment’s notice, he satisfied that urge with whoever was close and willing (family and close friends were not off the table either). 

A pathological narcissist will NEVER see any other point of view than their own…

You don’t have to be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder to suffer from narcissism. As mentioned above, most of us have narcissistic traits. However, when the narcissism gets to such unhealthy levels, it becomes pathological. 

For example, most people are able to have an argument with another person whom we disagree with. Even if you are stubbornly defending your point, that other person might make points that you agree with, even if you won’t admit it at the time. When you take the time to reflect, you’ll see their points which can be really frustrating long after the argument has ended. 

A pathological narcissist will NEVER see any other point of view than their own. They are unable to see any faults in themselves, especially recognizing that they might have been anything less than perfect. Their self-image is so inflated, and so fragile, that to admit they are wrong about anything is shattering to that image of themselves they have led themselves to believe. 

Feelings are Facts to Narcissists

Most people are able to differentiate between their own feelings and the actual facts present in a certain situation. Narcissists are unable to see the factual information in a situation if it goes against their own feelings / beliefs. 

They actually believe that the way they feel about a certain subject IS the facts. Their own feelings actually change their own perception of the world around them. They are unable to accept the reality of a particular situation; instead, they alter their own perceptions so that their own feelings become their reality. 

Let me give you an example from my own life. I am having issues with my co-parent about setting boundaries with our children. He is trying to manipulate them to believe that my actions are manipulative, and that I am a bad person. He will insult me in front of the children, especially if it feeds his narcissistic need for attention, reactions (from me), or makes him look like a victim. When I confront him about his abusive language, instead of admitting he is wrong, he pushes the blame onto me. As if I somehow created these situations, and I was the one acting badly. 

I am blown away by all this. Lately, everything is my fault, he feels that he continues to do nothing wrong. In his mind, he is this perfect father who is just doing his best while dealing with his “crazy” ex-wife . He refuses to see his role in any of our issues and is unable to grasp the fact that his actions are hurtful to the children (and to me as their mother). 

Someone at this level of narcissism is unable to understand that there is a problem with their behaviors and/or perceptions. They will come to illogical conclusions in an effort to protect their very fragile self-image. Being a narcissist for these people is more than just a personality flaw, it is their way of life. 

Satisfying Needs takes Precedent

For pathological narcissists, preserving their own self-image and satisfying their own needs becomes the focus of their entire personality. Their focus to satisfy their needs is obsessive and actually impairs their ability to have quality relationships and their perception of the world. 

The irony of all this is that I thought, like many people do, that this was just the sacrifices we make for love.

Our parenting tactics in my marriage  revolved around satisfying his needs. It was always about him…still is. Going as far as alienating me from my teenage daughter to satisfy his narcissistic need for revenge. I thought that being  a good mother was to instill morals, values, and integrity in addition to loyalty and honor. Those are all main components of a beautiful human being, in my perspective. One that brings value to someone else’s life and everything else will fall into place.

The problem is that the entire focus is on what he wants, and what he wants is to hurt me (at least that’s the way it feels). When he wanted sex, he didn’t date like an average single guy does. Instead, he would date or sleep with my friends, just to get a reaction out of me. He even went as far as to sleep with my teenage daughter’s best friend’s mom. Not thinking of the damage it would cause his daughter, her friend, or even me. To him, I have to ignore that shit show and accept that fucked off situation. There’s not going to be a happy ending if and when this all comes to an end. This is a vicious cycle that will continue to perpetuate itself.  Hearts will be broken, things will be said out of anger, and a little girl will be left with this trauma forever in her memory.

Trying to instill those above qualities and breaking that overwhelming chaotic cycle has been nothing short of heartbreaking.  Family is everything to me now since I made that decision to support his choice to sue my parents with his fake workman’s comp claim. I lost my family. My mom, sisters, brothers, grandmother, etc… If he didn’t want to work to support his family, he didn’t and I ended up working seven days a week and he would still say I didn’t have a “real” job.  He would manipulate me and others around him to ensure that my family didn’t love me. He wanted to make sure that my guilt didn’t play a factor in his evil ambitions to get paid, regardless of the ultimate cost to me and our children. 

The irony of all this is that I thought, like many people do, that this was just the sacrifices we make for love. Now, with the love goggles off, I can see his behavior for what it is. It was narcissism that severed my relationship with my parents, it was narcissism that left me ashamed and crying in the shower, it was narcissism that left my needs unfulfilled and unsatisfied in every area of my marriage. It’s his narcissism that has left my children without any family connections besides the ones he approves of. 

As a result, he has left my children with an extended family that discards children. Their version of love is getting what they can out of others, and if they can’t, those people no longer hold any value. How is that showing unconditional love and family values? This is the question that I ponder over, which fuels my restless nights and overactive mind. 

Lacking Empathy

Narcissists are unfortunately unable to see beyond their own narcissism. Many narcissists are created from some sort of childhood trauma. Their capacity to empathize with others was damaged and they find themselves stuck in that childhood survival mode. I understand this more than ever at this point in my life. Doing what I do now, I have been blessed to work with professionals who have helped to further my understanding of the evils of narcissism. 

People really do change. I am a prime example.

That’s why so many narcissists are unable to have healthy, adult arguments. They are unable to properly process situations, since that part of their development (as a child) was stunted by trauma. They are constantly in a cycle of feeling they need to defend their actions. This creates an environment where their inability to heal prevents them from being able to move on from past events.

That’s why, when you argue with a narcissist, they are unable to process the situation at hand. Instead of confronting the actual issue, they deflect it to fit their own narrative. When my ex and I argue, which seems to be all the time lately, it always digresses to him bringing up a perceived mistake (he feels I made) that actually has no relevance to the current issues of the argument.  He doesn’t understand that I’m no longer that person he knew over 10+ years ago. People really do change. I am a prime example. They seem to want me to still remain that person that I was. No matter how much good I do, they want to see me as that person that was addicted to meds, that tried to commit suicide, and a drama seeker. Manipulation was never something I was good at, but they seem to always toss that word around.

Their version of manipulation may not be my version. I know in my heart that I am not someone who manipulates others. It’s a character trait that I find objectionable, and a person I aspire never to emulate. Yet, that is still the subject matter of many of my co-parenting arguments lately. Regardless of the topic, somehow, in his eyes, I am manipulating the situation. 

It doesn’t even have to be about the subject of our argument. We could be arguing about a wrong choice he made and then all of a sudden we’re rehashing a mistake I made 3, 5, even 15 years before. This deflection helps the narcissist justify their own mistakes. In their mind, any wrongdoing on their part is a justified reaction to a past event. Their misbehavior isn’t actually their fault, it’s yours by default. 

This is why so many narcissists have a victim mentality. They have convinced themselves that the only reason someone might have for pointing out a mistake they made is because they are trying to hurt the narcissist. When we think that someone is trying to hurt or disparage us, our reaction (or overreaction) is completely justified on the grounds of self defense. 

They view everything as a potential threat, even the most innocuous of arguments. The irony here is that the feelings that seem to rule the narcissistic mind are actually the thing that frightens them the most. They are unable to feel empathy for others because those feelings are uncomfortable to experience, so they tune them out in favor of more childish desires, wants, and needs. 

The Devil Beside You

So, with all this knowledge, you might be asking, “what the fuck am I supposed to do with it all?” Unfortunately, there’s no one way to deal with the narcissist in your own bedroom. Some narcissists are able to slowly re-learn how to be empathetic and caring, but it takes a lot of self-recognition, therapy, and hard work. 

Parasites breed in stagnant waters

The reality here is that, if you can, get the fuck out. I know that might not work for everyone, but think about the alternative. Do you really want to spend your life with a narcissist who will never put your feelings and needs first? Do you want to NEVER be a priority to your partner? 

It wasn’t until after I had been divorced for a while that I saw the truth about my ex. I saw that his choices would always be in service of his own needs. It was very difficult to leave and start over, but I wouldn’t change it for anything now. Sure, I’m still struggling with co-parenting and his projection of his own narcissistic traits on our children, but I now have the opportunity to show them an alternative. One with love, loyalty, compassion, and empathy. Had I stayed, this would not have been an option. 

Take this for what it’s worth, but you DO deserve to be happy. You DO deserve to be loved. You DO deserve multiple orgasms (haha…had to throw that in). You deserve to live a life that has meaning, fulfillment, and happiness. Life is about taking risks, and through pain we find growth. Parasites breed in stagnant waters, so get yourself moving towards a future where you are fulfilled, loved, and happy. 

Check out this article from A Conscious Rethink website about the Gray Rock technique for dealing with a narcissist who you have to remain in contact with for personal reasons.