The Subtle Art of Being a Gentleman

I remember when I was a boy I would always see the old imagery of the guy putting down his coat to cover a puddle so his lady wouldn’t get her shoes wet. As a boy, I thought that when I grew up the world would be full of these puddles and all I needed was to carry around a coat that I didn’t mind getting wet. Seemed easy enough. 

As I became a man, I realized there was a lot more to chivalry and being a gentleman than those old time movies would lead me to believe. Women are fucking complex to say the least, but they all want (as recently told to me during a particularly heated discussion) is their man to be a gentleman. 

Be a gentleman. Sounds easy enough right? Open doors, walk on the busy side of the street, give compliments, etc. That old school chivalry that made 50’s pinup girls swoon and got the tough but sensitive protagonist laid…constantly. 

While it might seem like those concepts are somewhat archaic in today’s modern world, there are some lessons to be learned from our forefathers. There’s nothing worse than having your girl call you out for your less than gentlemanly behaviors. 

I started to ponder this and came to the conclusion that while I know how to be a gentleman, I sometimes let pride and insecurity stand in the way of treating my girl with the respect and compassion that a true gentleman provides. 

I was raised in a family where love was plentiful, but affection was not always on display. I can remember watching old videos of my parent’s wedding and being amazed by those outward displays of affection that I didn’t actually witness in person. It made sense why my mom yearned for the strong, sensitive heroes of whatever romance novel she was currently devouring. My dad is a good, hardworking man, but I never really saw him show much affection towards my mom. I can count on one hand the number of times I saw them cuddle on the couch, kiss, or even flirt with one another. 

So where am I going with this trip down memory lane? I’m getting there, be patient my friends. 

I’m introverted by nature and I was always told that women like the strong, silent type. I thought I was in the clear because I have these attributes. What I didn’t know when I was younger is that relationships take a lot of work. What good is the strong, silent type if your girl is starving for affection, respect, and compassion? 

Allow me the opportunity to break down the finer aspects of the lost art of being a gentleman.

A Gentleman Knows How to Listen

Women will tell you what they want from you if you know how to listen. While some will overtly just say, “I need X”, others are more subtle in their delivery. When your girl mentions that she is having a tough day, what she is really saying is that she needs a confidant to unload whatever is plaguing her mind at that moment. 

Guys naturally want to fix things, it’s just how we are hardwired. I still struggle with wanting to fix a situation or a problem that gets brought to my attention. The problem is that in the quest to find the solution, you miss out on what she is really telling you. 

For example, when she is telling you about an issue with a girlfriend or at work, most men will start to immediately look for ways to find a solution to the issue. However logical this might seem to the male brain, with all it’s compartments and organization, that’s not really what she’s saying at all. 

She is telling you that she wants to be heard, validated, and have her feelings about that particular subject acknowledged. She isn’t looking for you to offer her solutions. Instead of saying, “You should try to do X”, you want to validate her feelings by telling her that you understand her frustrations, and that the situation is bullshit. You’ll score many more brownie points being a compassionate listener than being a problem solver. 

Trust me on this one. I have my own struggles with this, as it is something I am constantly trying to improve upon. I am a fixer. I like to fix things. It actually goes against my nature to let something “broken” go unfixed. However, while this may be good in some aspects of my life, in my relationship it’s a shortcut to relationship blue balls, both figuratively and literally. 

I noticed that when I just sit and listen, the conversation goes much better than when I try to offer solutions. Many times solutions are met with, “you just don’t understand” which is the relationship equivalent of “fuck you and the horse you rode in on.”

A gentleman knows how to listen and show compassion. He truly cares about his partners feelings and, by listening, is telling her that her feelings are valid, respected, and important. 

A Gentleman doesn’t Become Complacent

All relationships have a certain amount of routine. Work, chores, bills, all the natural things that encompass our daily lives. That mundane security, while good for the above mentioned tasks, is a slow death to a relationship.

A gentleman never stops trying to “win” his girl’s heart. I’m not saying you have to shower her with lavish gifts, but you should always be attempting to make her fall in love with you just like you did in the beginning.

Sure, all relationships hit a plateau of sorts, this is completely natural. You get comfortable with one another, especially after you really get to know that other person. This is where complacency can intrude on the relationship and render it impotent.

I use the word impotent purposely here, because nothing will dry up your girl like the Sahara quicker than complacency in a relationship. 

A woman wants to be pursued. Don’t mistake this for being a doormat, but the pursuit is exciting. You can do more with a spontaneous bundle of roses just because than a million routine dinners from your favorite restaurant. 

I’m a writer by nature, and I am able to express my feelings for my partner better in words than in person. I make a conscious effort to write her a quick note (that she can easily find) when I leave in the morning. The content of the note doesn’t matter as much as the thought behind it. A simple “I love you, have a great day” will tell your partner that she was the first thing on your mind, even if you had a busy day ahead. 

It’s the little things that matter the most in a relationship. I bet that when you first started dating, you made a conscious effort to tell her good morning or goodnight, especially in today’s modern texting world. Do you know what that little thought can do to start someone’s day? You’re letting her know that she was on your mind and you set the stage for her day to begin thinking about you. 

Now, I know that once you add in kids and other adult responsibilities, it can be difficult to prioritize your partner. A gentleman understands that their woman needs this to grow and thrive. Surprise her with a night out. Don’t even tell her where you are going, just tell her to get dressed and you’re taking her out. When you are out, hold her hand like you did when you were first dating, pull her close and let every other person in that room know that this is your lady and you’re proud to have her by your side. 

Think this won’t work? I dare you to try it. I guarantee you’ll get a great response from your partner, who will feel those special tingles that you had when you first started dating. Little gestures like these will help to break the monotonous cycle of daily life, and keep complacency from creeping in and sabotaging your relationship. 

Want to know what happens when you stop dating your partner? She will begin to crave that attention elsewhere, and that, my friends, is a recipe for disaster. All of a sudden that guy at work, whose flirtations she never even considered, starts to become more desirable since she is so thirsty for attention. 

A Gentleman is a Protector

Now, some of you will read that section title and automatically think about physical protection. That’s not what I’m talking about here. A gentleman protects his girl’s heart and emotional stability. 

Sure, she is going to get on your nerves from time to time, but if you allow these feelings to creep in and take over, you’re not protecting her heart. When we allow these petty annoyances to become more important than all the good qualities, we are creating an environment where apathy can breed. 

Protecting your girl’s heart isn’t about coddling her or putting her up on a pedestal. I’m definitely not telling you to not express your feelings and emotions. What I am saying is this: Think about the way to talk to your girl. Would you want someone to talk to your daughter, sister, mother, etc. the way you are talking to her? If not, then you are not protecting her heart. 

Women are much more emotionally charged than men are. People can protest all they want, but it’s the truth. I have a core group of friends that I’ve known so long that the majority of our conversations with one another are insults. It’s good natured and sometimes we can stoop pretty low, but that’s just how guys are. 

I remember after my divorce, I was feeling pretty down about myself and was not feeling the most confident, desirable, or attractive. Some of my friends, while being supportive, were often pouring salt in the wound by making jokes about my divorce, ruined finances, and lack of dating prospects (and hair). 

When my girl is feeling down, unattractive, or low, the last thing I would want is to talk to her like I would to a buddy. I want to try to lift her up, make her feel beautiful, and let her know she’s loved. 

This doesn’t come easy to me, and I’m sure it doesn’t come easy to a lot of other men who were raised with the “stop crying” or “toughen up” world that separates boys from girls. The next time your girl is feeling down, or is upset about something, even if you think it’s completely trivial, give her a hug and tell her how beautiful she looks today. She might shrug it off, but I guarantee it will make her feel loved and might just change her day. 

A Gentleman Keeps Promises

There’s nothing worse than a broken promise. Sure, that quick overnight getaway to go mural hunting that you had to cancel last minute because the money wasn’t in the budget for a hotel might seem innocuous, but it will leave a lasting impression.

As mentioned above, every girl wants to feel like they are the only one for you, and keeping promises shows your partner that you are a man of your word. If you are unable to keep a promise you made, it’s up to you to make it right. Even if the reasons were beyond your control, you will still have broken a promise to someone you care about. That should matter. 

If you have to break a promise, do your best to make it up as quickly as possible in whatever way possible. For example, if you didn’t have the money for a hotel, grab some snacks and take her somewhere special for an impromptu picnic. Yeah, it’s not the weekend you had planned, but it will let her know that alone time is important to you. You don’t have to be rich to be rich in love. Any woman of quality will appreciate the gesture and understand that you still made her a priority. 

A Gentleman is Confident

Any person of substance has found a way to accept their idiosyncrasies and flaws. Someone who is accepting of themselves will be much more accepting of others. There’s something really attractive about a man who is secure in who he is. 

Sure, there are things we all can improve upon, but confidence is sexy. A gentleman will celebrate his successes without coming across as a pompous ass. I remember going on a date with a woman years ago who was very attractive. Men would throw money around and brag about how much they made, what they owned, or anything else they felt would separate themselves from the other apes in the dating jungle. The problem was that there was no substance, and cockiness overshadows confidence every single time. 

These men were actually highlighting their insecurities by trying to impress this woman with whatever shiny object caught their attention. Just be secure with who you are and that confidence will highlight all the good qualities. Someone will notice and appreciate those qualities, I guarantee. You don’t need to look like a supermodel or be hung like a porn star, just be confident in who you are and your will exponentially increase your desirability to the fairer sex. 

Now, I don’t want you to think that I have all this completely dialed in. In truth, I’ve been struggling with each and every one of these recently. I’m writing this as a reminder to myself as much as I’m writing to help you. 

A gentleman never stops trying to grow and be the best version of himself. That’s probably the best advice I could possibly give you, if you made it this far. I’ll leave you with a final quote to ponder, “A woman who is truly loved gives back far more than was ever poured into her soul.” I know I needed to hear that right now, I hope this helps you as well.