For the Love of Porn

porn…so much controversy surrounding the topic. sex, in general, is still a taboo subject for so many people.

It’s ironic, really, that our society glorifies violence but shuns sex. Little Timmy can watch 100 hours of violent images but, god forbid, a titty pops up on the screen. That’s when all hell breaks loose.

Let’s face it, we are still primal in certain aspects, and we are born to breed. For men, they have thousands of years of history that tells them to spread their seed as far and wide as possible. Why do we try to ignore this fact? Anyone with a teenage son knows they are a ball of hormones ready to mate as soon as their balls drop. Guess what? That instinctual urge to breed doesn’t go away for the next 50+ years.

If we’re too uptight to talk about sex, then I know that quite a few people out there are definitely uncomfortable talking about porn.

Sex is one of those subjects that most people don’t want to talk about, even with their significant other. So many people aren’t really getting what they need out of their partner, or their needs aren’t being completely fulfilled. Who knows the positive changes one good conversation might bring?

Back to porn. If we’re too uptight to talk about sex, then I know that quite a few people out there are definitely uncomfortable talking about porn. Good, I say. It’s ok for us to have conversations about uncomfortable subjects. It’s ok for us to disagree, to debate, even to argue (in a healthy way) about topics we might find controversial.

I was talking with someone recently about the topic of porn. I was trying to understand why it was so controversial a subject. She told me that she thought it was disgusting. She couldn’t understand why her man would need to look at porn when he had her. Food for thought. It definitely got my proverbial wheels spinning, and I wanted to find out more.

I understand that most men and women like to watch porn or have at least watched it on an occasion or two over their lifetime. For some people, watching porn is a part of their daily routine, as ingrained in them as showering or brushing their teeth. For other people, the mere mention of the topic is grounds for vilification.

I feel honestly, it’s a gateway to cheating.

I posed the following questions to my readers: What are your thoughts on your partner watching porn? Would you freak out if you found porn on their phone? Do you find it morally wrong and/or view it as cheating? I have my own opinions on the subject, but I’ll get to those a little later in the article. I wanted to hear what you had to say about this.

One reader stated, “I feel honestly it’s a gateway to cheating. Like something in the relationship is missing, maybe they don’t find their partner attractive anymore. Maybe it’s the fact that they want to experiment with their spouse but are too chicken shit to say it.”

The first thing that came to my mind when I read this was that her man probably felt like he had to hide this from her. I could tell by the tone of what she wrote that she wasn’t entirely comfortable with the subject, or maybe it was a subject area that had caused some issues in the past. Let me be clear, I completely respect her opinions. Those are her thoughts and she is free to have them.

It should be something that should be enjoyed and shared in the bedroom.

The one thing that stood out to me from her statement was the part about wanting to experiment with your partner, but not being able to bring it up. I totally agree with her on that point. Why is it so difficult to talk to your partner about sex? It’s almost like we’re worried about truly exposing ourselves to someone. The thought process here is that we feel that if we tell them what really turns us on, they will judge us for being a freak, or become somehow turned off to us sexually and emotionally. This can be tough, especially in a committed relationship. The fear of the unknown is one of those fears that can creep up and keep us from really exploring the truth.

Another reader told me that, “It should be something that can be shared and enjoyed in the bedroom. She thought I was into the chick on the screen, not her. Men don’t work like that at all. It was just a moment of heated passion, and excitement [I wanted] to share. Many people feel conflicted when it comes to their sexuality.”

I want to address the first part of that statement. I felt like I agreed with that reader on a few levels. I really wanted to figure out why so many people are uncomfortable with it. Why can’t a couple enjoy watching porn together? Why can’t they use it as a tool to help them explore new avenues of their own sexual relationship?

One thing that stood out to me was the aspect of jealousy that came up. I could relate to that part. I remember, during my marriage, the first time I found porn, I became jealous. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t enough, like I wasn’t fulfilling his needs. It really wasn’t about the porn itself, but my own thoughts and feelings connected to our sexlife. It can be easy to internalize something that makes you as open and vulnerable as sex. After all, it’s one of the aspects that can make or break a relationship.

I think this is where a lot of people, women especially, feel uncomfortable with their partner watching porn. Let’s face it, they’re watching porn to get off. In a committed relationship, you want to be the one to fulfill their needs. You want to be the fantasy. It can be difficult to think of your partner fantasizing about someone who isn’t you. I remember my first experiences with this as a (very young) new wife. I thought that I should be fulfilling enough for him, and, eventually, that’s why he decided to cheat. I know now that my thought process was closed minded, I just wasn’t open to the reality that sometimes people just have an itch that needed to be scratched.

It wasn’t until after my divorce and I became single, for the first time since I was a teenager, that this truth was finally realized. I didn’t have (or want) a partner, but I still had urges. I had my own itch that needed to be scratched.

I feel like, as adults, we have to stop pretending like sex isn’t normal!

Often times, couples in relationships have mismatched sex drives. If you keep all that sexual energy pent up, it’s going to project itself into other areas of the relationship. That energy is real, and it needs to be released. If you’re a twice a day type of person, and your partner is a twice of week type of person, what happens to those other five days? That urge, that desire just doesn’t go away. It needs to be managed.

I think the root of all this stems from the fear of infidelity. Trust me, as someone who was cheated on constantly while married, this is one of the worst forms of betrayal in a monogamous relationship. Many people are very concerned that watching porn will become a gateway to, what they feel is unavoidable, straying from their relationship into someone else’s bed.

One of my readers summed up the counterargument for this point when she said, “I feel like, as adults, we have to stop pretending like sex isn’t normal! I don’t care to ever know what type of porn he watches, but I don’t care. I’d rather have him watch porn than cheat. He will never actually be with any of the girls on the videos, so I had to get past the jealousy. Being in my 30’s, I’m not naive to think he doesn’t watch it, he’s a man.”

I totally agree with this statement. I felt it was one of the strongest responses that I received, at least in the fact that it validated my own personal viewpoint. I agree with the aspect that, at some point, you have to realize that people watch porn. You don’t necessarily have to agree with it, or even to support it, but you can’t just bury your head in the sand and pretend it doesn’t exist.

This isn’t just geared towards the men either. Women watch porn too. In fact, I think I’ve crashed Porn Hub myself a couple times. It’s taken me a divorce and some personal growth to be open minded enough to understand the complexities of sexual desire.

If you have a strong moral objection to your partner watching porn, then that’s something that should be communicated. I think that open lines of communication are integral to a strong, healthy relationship. Let me play devil’s advocate for a minute and ask you this question. What are you going to do to make sure your partner’s needs are met? Are you willing to step it up to keep that partner fulfilled in the bedroom? Or do they just have to deal with it?

Sexual frustration is very real and it can be a relationship killer. Everyone wants to be fulfilled in their relationship. If one person has a problem, then there’s going to be a problem, whether you want to admit that or not. If your partner needs porn to fill the gaps (no pun intended) in the times you aren’t intimate (and isn’t addicted or unfaithful), then I say let them. If they are passing up opportunities to have sex with you for porn, then that’s obviously problematic. However, if they’re just getting a release when you’re not available or in the mood, then maybe it’s time to rethink your feelings about porn.