I Am: Why Showing Up Can Be the Hardest Battle in Life

“You just need to get your foot in the door…” A friend’s statement got me thinking. 

Getting your foot in the door can be one of the biggest hurdles in life and easier said than done . Especially after living a life of chaos and trauma. I found myself trapped in my studio. Isolated. Staying isolated was not a way of living a healthy, fulfilling life for me. My trauma had me paralyzed at times. 

What does healing actually look like? That was the question I asked myself. We can argue over semantics of the true meaning of the word, it was the matter that I was searching for. Let me tell you all, I found what I was looking for.

I started thinking about what it actually means. How, in life, it can be so difficult to find the motivation to begin something new while suffering. For me it was choosing to do the inner self work first. My thought process was ‘everything else will follow”. I made room each day for my spirituality  so I can make rational choices while dealing with these demons in the outside world and in court.

LIVING IN THE FLESH

Choosing not to live in the flesh 24/7 (meaning feeling your emotions and acting out of pure emotion and NOT believing in your own fears) was the key. Truth be told, that was NOT my true reality. The images that I was capturing was my fear happening in real time. I also understood that the depression from my youngest daughter’s case was consuming me. I wasn’t living anymore. I couldn’t evolve. I was stuck.  I was living in a constant state of ‘fight or flight’ and fear.  Fear of losing my daughter to this evil state was NOT an option .  I wanted nothing more but to move on from the past and live in peace with my little family. But how?

 “Set the world right. Do what’s best. As above, so below.” – Matthew 6:10

Crown being “above”, “so below” would be one’s soul. At least that was my interpretation of the scripture. My body was my temple. Where I worship. Did I forget that? 

It was in that scripture where I came head to head with my own shadows and fears and asked my higher power for redemption . I allowed myself to die inside. Allowed my past events to die along with that old version of myself. 

“JULIE SERENA RAMOS” now dead, has been reborn in the divine flesh.  Living in my true spirit and in the flesh, that my highest power had envisioned for me.

“It all starts with getting that proverbial foot in the door.” My friend’s voice always reminds me of this inner strength. 

GYM-EAT-PRAY

 Connecting to my inner consciousness is what drove me. “As above, so below” 

I’M TOO BIG TO FIT IN THIS LITTLE BOX. Just like Alice in Wonderland, I was outgrowing that small box that controlled my reality. 

That may seem like a bit of an oversimplification to a very complex problem. And, in truth, it really is. Healing is a very complex, time consuming battle. Often, we only look at the finish line. In that lies the biggest hurdle. 

Think of it this way. If you’re always looking towards the future, when do you have time to enjoy the present? Meditate on the future. Stop overthinking the future is the key to avoiding anxiety triggers. At that point you can make room for the abundance. When are you able to give yourself credit for the little victories we achieve daily? How do you reprogram your mind to actually be present in the here and now?

…I forgot to celebrate the progress of the present day

The reality…IT’S FUCKING HARD

Let me say that again. IT’S FUCKING REALLY HARD

However, anything worth doing in life is going to be hard. Today’s society of instant gratification does not seem to reward or even acknowledge that there are some things in life that are going to kick your ass on the daily.

When you’re vibrating at your lowest frequency that’s when negative entities can attach. Ask any addict. The challenge is how to learn to vibrate at the highest frequency, when the mind, body, and spirit are in alignment. 

How do you reprogram your mind to actually be present in the here and now?

For me, learning this truth has been a battle. I have been mired in grief. That lowest frequency was the only vibration that seemed to make its way to the surface. I would bathe in my trauma. I would relive those events from the past and couldn’t seem to find any sort of respite or escape. 

The problem with that is you reopen old wounds and bleed on everything and anyone in your path. Like an atomic explosion, it just stretches on and on pushing you deeper into the void. 

I knew I had to get myself out of that damaging cycle. But how?

I started by reclaiming parts of myself that had been lost for so long. I started setting boundaries with others. I started by learning how to live in the present moment and not overthinking the fears I was facing daily. 

I started by allowing myself to become mindful of those daily victories. It was the smallest thing that I gave myself praise for. i.e. just getting out of the house was a hard task for me. The outside world scared the shit out of me. 

Everyone was a suspect. Everyone was acting in bad faith. That was my reality. A reality which was manifested by my own fears. Something I had to figure out on my own. Something that would have been overlooked in the past.

 If I made it to the gym that day, I would praise myself for getting in there and doing the work. In the past, I would be so focused on the fact that I wasn’t at the end result immediately, that I forgot to celebrate the progress of the present day.

A reality which was manifested by my own fears.

One place to help yourself close that Pandora’s box of emotions is to find a better place to focus your energy. An outlet. Whether you’ve always wanted to paint, ride a motorcycle, or learn to play chess. Take some time outside to explore something that interests you and will be a healthy activity.

For me, I returned to boxing. There’s something about that physical outlet of just wearing yourself out training that is positive for my mental health. Truth be told, it’s the vision I have while pretending I am beating someone face in. It’s ritualistic in a way. Wrapping my hands, strapping on the gloves, having my coach in my corner. It’s a cathartic transformation. I became a warrior.

I outgrew my metaphorical box. No longer a subject…now I’m the queen. 

“I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul.” Invictus – William Ernest Henley 

HERE YOU GO MOTHERFUCKERS